Two Types of People

There are two types of people in this world.Those that like the music of Celine Dion and those that think all she does is screech when she sings.

I love Celine Dion. Seriously.  100%. So much so that I say this. What is a little screeching between friends.

I lost my Celine Dion album over a year ago and frankly I want it back. At first I was in denial ‘it doesn’t matter so much’ I tried to convince myself. I was wrong. The truth is it does matter.

To make myself feel better I considered taking a trip of a lifetime to north Africa… ‘allbyyyyye myself…’ of course

Dukes of hazzard

You know where this is going right? -Okay then hold my hand through this- However I was in so much denial I couldn’t face visiting Egypt and seeing the Nile.
I just want my Celine Dion album back… even if she screeches… No one is perfect after all.

So what is the big deal about Celine Dion? Let me explain. Last year I would get up at 4 am for work. I wasn’t tired. Far from it. I would jump out of bed with all the zest of one of the dukes of hazard.

‘Yeeeeeehaaaaaa’ I would say as I leapt from bed. Then my feet would land on the carpeted floor. Then I would go through my b…s…d…s… ritual. Meaning I would Brush teeth… shower… drink water… and suit up. Then I would glance online at the BBC website briefly for ‘good news… good news.’ Then I would be at work for 6 or 6:30 am.

The beauty of all this was the hour or so drive to work listening to Celine Dion sing. At times I would encourage her ‘sing Celine sing.’ I would say. Her voice would envelope my car. It was like she was addressing me directly. I would stamp my feet lightly where possible…

I liked listening to her sing English songs ‘…think twice before you close that door….’ Celine would screech. I liked listening to her Spanish songs ‘feliznavidadprosperoano y felicidad…’ Celine would screech. Then her French songs ‘c’est pourtoi, toi, quej’aime encore…’ I would clasp both hands to my heart and screech along to her tunes as well. I would go ‘Eeeeeeeeeee’ then I would go ‘eeeeeeeeek’

Dude where’s my jumper?

I love Celine Dion. I said that already I know. It doesn’t matter though. You can never say I love Celine Dion too many times in one blog. However I hate it when I deny Celine Dion. One time I was driving through south London with my top off listening to Celine.

Just to clarify I mean the top of my car was down/off. I don’t mean the top of my clothes. I didn’t look down from singing ‘…my heart will go on…’ and suddenly go ‘oh crap I clean forgot to put my shirt on’ or do an Ashton Kutcher and say ‘dude where’s my jumper.’

No that’s not it. I always remember to put my jumper on before I leave the house. Always.Whether it is snowing or not.

Anyway so we are clear. My top was off (my car) but my top was on (my jumper) and I was singing x factor style along to Celine Dion. ‘…so this is who I am…’ I screeched looking at my reflection in the wing mirror ‘and this is all I know.’ Celine Dion’s voice screeched back in unison.

I got the opportunity to screech some more when a frenchcelinedion song came on next. I screeched ‘j’iraichercher ton coeur.’ Luckily Celine Dion screeched back ‘situl’importeailleurs…’

Glass breaks every time…

I sang my heart out wondering if I had the x factor or the ‘ix’ factor as they say in France  However as I drove my car through the south London streets I noticed a bus stop ahead with twenty or so people staring at me. I did the unforgivable. I denied Celine Dion.

In a moment of madness I hurriedly flicked my car radio to choice FM or radio one or capital radio. I forget which.

Luckily The rapper 50 cents music was blaring. he rapped ‘have a baby by me baby be a millionaire. I remember it so clearly now.  50 cent has a tendency to repeat himself and this time was no different. he rap…peated ‘have a baby by me baby be a millionaire.’

I nodded along to this more socially accepted ditty. However I knew the order of the day was not errant babies by errant rappers so once I passed the bus stop I put Celine Dion’s album back on.

Celine Dion’s voice screeches in nearly every song. My car screeched. Celine Dion screeched. So as not to be left out I screeched along with them. I went ‘eeeee… eeeee…’ then I went  ‘eeeeeeeeeek’

I remember the moment I lost my Celine Dion album like it was yesterday. It was a life defining moment like the day my voice broke. One minute glass breaks every time I speak, the next minute people are forcing me to sing Barry white songs. But I digress…

Find your cat

The day I lost my Celine Dion album I got out of bed at 4 am as usual. I had all the zest of a duke of hazard. As I leapt from beneath the duvet ‘I went yeeeeeehaaaaaa.’ My toes hit the carpeted floor.

I was thinking… I wish I had cowboy boots and a fedora and a neckerchief. I didn’t have these. I was sad. I had blue boxer shorts and one sock and a skull cap.

Anyway so I did my early morning b…s…d…s… ritual. Do you remember what it was: brush teeth… shower… drink water… suit up… and then I got into my car. I had my jumper on. Phew. See I told you. I don’t forget easily you know.

I looked at the time. it was 5 am . I couldn’t start my car without first putting my Celine Dion CD in.

However she was nowhere to be found. I rummaged in my glove compartment with my left hand ‘Celine?’ There was nothing in there, well except a pair of gloves of course. ‘no Celine Dion’

I swiveled my neck round and looked behind me on the back seat of the car… then even on the carpeted floor. no Celine Dion CD. hmmm. Where for art it?

‘Celine Dion?’ I considered getting out of the car and running down the road waving my arms around in a panic like the sky was falling. I cant find my Celine Dion CD.

As I looked down the street I cupped my hands to my mouth ‘Celine… Celine… where are you.’ Then I said ‘Celine… don’t think I cant feel that there is something wrong’ I looked under the car. Then I said ‘ you’ve been a tender part of my life for so long.’ I got up and said ‘Celine think twice before you close that door.’ then for no apparent reason i said ‘No NoNoNo.’You see. This is what happens when you deny Celine Dion. Bloody bus stops in bloody south London.  I won’t deny you again Celine Dion. Never.

I saw a woman walking toward my car. No it wasn’t Celine Dion. It was a person walking to work or coming back from work. I don’t remember which.

She must have heard me because she said ‘ you’ve lost Celine.’ And then she said ‘let me help you find your cat.’ It was quite strange hearing these two unrelated phrases said one after another.
Every day as the world turns and I observe it through Celine Dion tinted glasses I beat myself up with the same question. Where is my Celine Dion album? At times I wonder, why don’t I just order another one from amazon.

There are two types of people in this world. Those that like Celine Dion and those that think all she does is screech when she sings.

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